20 September Back from the grave

Another day, another blog post. Time for reminasences, time for remorse. Remorse that I didn't spend more time with Olga when we were both well. Missed opportunities. Not enough gardening together, not enough walking together and other small things we could do but didn't value too much when they were available.  Brain tumor was an excuse not spend time together. At least now it is time to tell about my feelings what I usually avoided doing before or just was ambarassed to show real myself. Now I worry only about not saying often enough to Olga how much I love her and eventually I hope I deserve her.

6 April -last stages?

 I must be reaching the last stages of this illness I say that based on the rate of deterioration of my strength and mobilityMoving from one place to another involves a series of tiring and stressful hops I could could avoid that by staying in bed but during the day I prefer to go downstairs .I pee in a bottle to avoid a move to the bathroom. Time passes pleasantly listening to music or watching TV I'm not ready to give up the fight yet my next goal will be to try to survive until my next birthday on May 14

6 February - A satisfactory result

It has been a month since my MRI scan, 30 days since my last post. We have tried to be patient and wait  for the result. In the end it took a couple of phone calls before a doctor called us. He told me my scan was "satisfactory." I think I have heard that before.

The doctor understood that I wanted to discuss the result face to face and to ask about issues such as whether I can apply for the restoration of my driving licence. The consultant will arrange an appointment for us. I've heard that before, too.

After news about the tumour the question of whether I can drive is the other big issue for me. Only once I have my wheels back can I get on with life to the fullest extent. While I am stuck at home (apart from the occasional walk) I still feel like an invalid.

There is another urgency to my getting my driving licence back. If I can start driving by June (two years after my diagnosis) I can keep my no claims discount which was something like 70%, the result of 40 years of accident-free driving. That would make a difference of several hundred pounds to my insurance costs. So the longer I go without permission to drive, the greater my frustration.

7 January - MRI Scan

To Carlisle Infirmary this morning for an MRI head scan. Nothing much to add to that. I expect we will receive an appointment to discuss the results in a few days' time.

So the next few days promise to be an anxious time. Will the tumour have shrunk? Has it grown? Or just stayed the same at it was at the last scan more than 6 months ago? The answer to those questions will determine the direction my life will take. I dare not hope for the result I want for fear of being hugely disappointed.

Stay tuned for the next thrilling instalment!

26 June - One year on

Another milestone passed. This is the day the doctors said I would never see. One year ago today a doctor broke the news that I had a brain tumour, that it was incurable, and that I could expect to survive "a few months to a year."

Today we went to Newcastle, to the Royal Victoria Infirmary where I had the brain surgery, and saw the same doctor, one year later. As I anticipated, we didn't learn anything new. It was a rubber stamp exercise to put "closed" on my case as far as the surgery goes. (Carlisle will continue monitoring the tumour, of course.) It was uplifting to see the looks of genuine surprise as the doctor read through my file and saw the reports of how well I have done.

So, five hours of travelling for a five minute consultation. But I'm not going to grumble. They did a good job.If they hadn't, I really might not be here at this moment.

5 August - Some improvements

Not much to report. I have been sleeping a little better the last few nights and there have been improvements in physical fitness and general well-being, though some days are better than others. I am able to use the desktop computer now but it doesn't do my eyes any good so I am limiting use of it as much as possible. I use my smartphone for most things and the computer for tasks where the big screen and keyboard are a positive advantage like using eBay or composing longer blog posts.

Still no news of my next appointment to begin the treatment.

Living one day at a time is liberating in a sense, in that one is no longer much concerned about the future. Like most people my age who do not have the luxury of a final salary based pension backed by an employer to retire on I have savings for retirement that are invested in stock market based funds. I would now be feeling extremely anxious about the falls in stock values brought about by the US deficit problem, concerns about the Eurozone and other matters. Now, there seems no point in worrying about it as whatever happens I'll probably never get to spend most of it anyway.

One paper I read recently suggested that there could be a link between stress and cancer. I wonder whether we would live longer and be happier if we all led simpler lives and were more self-sufficient instead of being slaves to work worrying about money, status and possessions?

27 July - Exercise bike

Still not sleeping much. Don't know why. The steroids are down to one tablet a day. I'm not anxious or depressed about my situation, not laying awake thinking dark or bitter thoughts. In that respect I seem to be dealing with it better than Olga. I'm just taking each day as it comes and finding things to keep my mind occupied. It's a bit like being on holiday only without the car to go anywhere or the energy to do more strenuous activities.

Yesterday, despite the lack of sleep, I noticed an improvement in my visual and motor functions. I managed to do some quite tricky work with the soldering iron.

Yesterday afternoon we took delivery of an exercise bicycle which this morning we put together. After that I rode a virtual 5km. Hopefully it will not be a five minute wonder like the one I had a few years ago which ended up in a charity shop when I got fed up with falling over it. At least we now have extra space for it - in the garage.

I do have a reason for getting this exercise bike as it will mean I won't have an excuse not to exercise if the weather turns cold and wet which, this being Cumbria in North West England, it is bound to do eventually.

The exercise bike is an interesting example of retail profit margins. We saw it in the Argos catalogue where it was being sold for £199.99, reduced from £299.99. But when Olga went to the Argos website the same model was now being sold for £89.99, previous price £99.99. However Argos would only promise delivery within 21 days and we wanted it now, so I did some searching and eventually got the same machine from an eBay seller of retail returns for £74.95 plus £4.95 shipping by next day courier. Which is about what it is actually worth, to look at it. But it will do the job just fine, I think.

17 July - Winning the lottery

We won the lottery yesterday. When I saw the email this morning I thought wouldn't it be just my luck to win a million and not have time to spend it! As Olga says, what use is money if you don't have health? But the win was only a tenner. It won't change my life.

After our amble into town this afternoon Olga says I am walking more strongly. People we meet ask how I am and enquire about the treatment. When I tell them I will be travelling five days a week for six weeks to Carlisle and back by taxi there is always a sharp intake of breath, a comment about how expensive that will be and questions about whether an ambulance service can take me.

I stopped thinking about money when the Newcastle hospital registrar gave me a use by date. In any case, I don't consider it anyone's responsibility to get me to the hospital for treatment but my own. If we run up a bill of £3 - 4000 in taxi fares then that is no more than we might have spent having the kitchen re-done or the carpets replaced.

And the treatment itself is free. If this had happened to one of Olga's friends or relatives in Ukraine, they would have to pay the full cost of medicines as well.

So new carpets or cancer treatment? Not one of life's tougher decisions.